Ole Fancy Pants, a gambling man,
Was called upon, to show his hand.
Five aces held, would surely win,
And beat them lowlifes, and their kin.
But as he raked in that big pot,
They cashed him in, that sorry lot!
They say that lonesome Deadwood Jake,
No single man could ever take.
But on the prairie he did nap,
And in his favorite wooly chaps.
So when some bison came around,
Why Jake got trampled in the ground!
Dakota Lil, she had a flare,
Pearl handled shooters, she would wear.
And every peddler knew her name,
So far and wide, did spread her fame.
And to this day, the town folk say,
That gal just had a shopping way!
Fast on the trigger, fast on the draw,
Doc Monday lived, outside the law.
A short trail to glory, a short trail to fame,
He live by the gun, and died by the same.
Mad Dog Fife
They called him Mad Dog, and not out of spite,
Why this dude was bad, a spoiling to fight!
His eyes they would glare, he'd snarl and he'd bite,
Why two marshals died, from pure simple fright.
So the posse they rode, to catch this outlaw,
And that was the last, of 'um, anyone saw.
So Mad Dog's out there, a waiting you see,
But if'n you're smart, you'll just let him be!
Confederate Colt was a Rebel you see,
At slinging hot lead, he was quick as could be!
Them bad outlaw boys, always gave him wide berth,
For fear of him plant'n, them there in the earth.
His Pa always said, look'um straight in the eye,
Then pull them smoke wagons, and let the lead fly.
But now in his prime, a long shadow he casts,
Better watch it ole man*, he's getting real fast!
Awesome Cactus Jack
Awesome Cactus Jack, in the road did stand,
Pulled smoke wagon, dynamite in hand.
His mustache bristled, as the stage drew near,
The driver reined in, a'shaking with fear!
"Throw down the strong box; the gold you can keep!"
I'm branding that chest, with things that are "neat."
His wood burning deeds, soon spread through the land,
This "Jack-and-the-box," with his outlaw brand!
Ms. Oakley Mouse had, quite a knack,
With sweets and cakes, now that's a fact.
The cowpokes loved, to gobble down,
Why everything, she brought around.
So it should come, as no surprise,
That all us hombres, gained a size.
Though slower shooters, we may be,
Ms. Mouse is always, nice to see!
Willy Whiskers a'stroked his beard,
There ain't a lot what gets me skeered!
They say some lowlife rode to town,
Said he's a'going to gun me down!
Won't be the first, won't be the last,
Just a young'un, who is "half-fast"
They rush to Judgement, like they're late,
My forty-fives won't make them wait!
Misfire Mordacai sheriff'ed o'er his town,
A'watching his flock to keep them all sound.
Watching for outlaws, as bad as they came,
Watching for gamblers and shootists of fame.
They rode in real quick, a'slinging hot lead,
Got carried back out, because they're shot dead!
So lowlifes beware, this Boot Hill gate keeper,
Misfire is one bad, Bad Outlaw Reaper!
Charlie was sheriff, of his frontier town,
The Clantons a'braced him, called him lowdown.
They stepped in the street, "Said go for your piece!"
"We're gonna sort out, the men from the meece!"
But Charlie just pulled, his ole scatter gun,
Said "OK you boys, I ain't gonna run!"
They looked at each other, they scurried around,
Their noses a'twitched, they rode out of town!
A card shark known both far and wide,
The chips they fell at Dixie's side.
With just one hand, she held her cards,
The other held, "Hot Lead" my pards!
The cowpokes said, "Don't chance yer fate,"
She'll clean you out, without a wait.
Don't catch her look! Don't take her dare!
Less you be caught, in Deadeye's Lair!
General Lee Smokey
They called him Smokey, quick and sure,
They called him honest, called him pure!
But to the "Darkside" he did turn,
For that blackpowder, he did yearn.
Now like a spider with no "Web",
He changed his name, that Johnny Reb!
So if you chance some smoke to see,
It may just be ole Gen'ral Lee!
Cardboard Cowboy and Foxy Filly
Ole Cardboard Cowboy,
He slung the fast lead.
The outlaws he missed,
Just weren't "Quite Yet" dead.
Them boys danced around,
Laughed, "Hey you missed me!"
Not likely, Bang, Bang,
Shot Foxy Filly.
Don't mess with this Cowboy,
Don't mess with his Lass,
Or they'll be a'planting,
Your sorry A____.
They called him high smell'n, they called him low down,
Called him a varmint, what lives in the ground.
Said, "Mongo you crawl, back into your hole,"
And don't show your face, until you are told!
But lowlifes beware, this prairie law dog,
Who looks like a meek and pudgy groundhog!
With pistols a'blaz'n, he pop's out of holes,
A'shoot'n outlaws, until they are cold!
*Fancy Pants' black tailed prairie dog
b. 2000, d. 9-15-2005
A tougher cowboy, never seen,
Why Cactus Gene was, just plumb mean.
Shot a man for simply sneezing,
Even plugged a man for breathing.
So quick forthwith, two rangers went,
That "Prickly Pair," made Gene repent!
He rode like the wind, that Ole Buffalo,
Chased by Apaches and Geronimo.
He slipped in their camps, just like a quiet breeze,
To "Bravely" count coup, and all with such ease!
They whooped and they yelled, they really got mad,
This "prairie blow hard" sure made them look bad!
So if'n you ask, why In'juns are red,
They're chafed by the "Wind," or so it is said!
Ranger John Paxton
Ranger John Paxton, a' rode into town,
The Dalton's a'wait'n, to have a showdown.
Called him a coward, to step in the street,
Said he was yeller, right down to his feet!
The Ranger replied, "My time and my place!"
Sunrise at Boot Hill, we'll meet face to face.
Came with his shovel, his Colt forty-five,
He buried them boys, not one left alive!
Fred was a dealer, of horse flesh that's true,
Said trade in your horse, "We need some more glue!"
And ride off my lot, on a "brand name steed,"
Turn eyes of them gals, and have lots of speed.
You won't run the risk, of coming up lame,
You'll be right in style, with comfort and fame.
So good guys and bad, all traded their gold,
And dealt with Ole Fred - - - "Gentleman of Ole's."
J Bird Blue
J Bird's shooters, oft were heard,
They sung a tune, just like a bird.
Sweet was the sound, to good cowpokes,
Like "chalk on slate" to outlaw folk!
He kept the law, both sure and true,
He kept the peace, this J Bird Blue!
This Sheriff claimed his fame and name,
Where bad outlaws did roam the plain.
"How bad" you say, and "How well known?"
Far North of bad, "Bad to the Bone!"
He gave them chance, "How much they called?"
"Far South of Slim, to None at all!"
So bad hombres don't pick on him,
Your chances are, just Southern Slim!
He fought the Cossacks, Trocaderos too,
Tarters and Polocks, just to name a few.
He crossed the Phosgene, saw Viagra Falls,
Custer In'jun School, with its hallowed halls.
He saved garlic mines, and small Madame Peep,
But at Pasta Gulch, he got in too deep.
Ivan Innaccurate, a known fatalist,
Wouldn't quit while ahead, he wouldn't desist.
Barbarians caused, him to meet his fate,
Ivan Innaccurate --- now Ivan the late!
Semper Fi Cowboy*
"Per mare per terram", the outlaws said,
Ole Semper Fi will see us dead.
"Fortitudine Vincimus" is his code,
And "Semper Fidelis" is how he rode!
So outlaws gave him quite a berth,
Less they get buried in the earth!
*Ask a Marine to translate
His pistols had a real Lightload,
For outlaws this did not well bode.
He shot them once, then twice then thrice,
For their misdeeds, they paid the price!
Why can't you kill us, they all said,
This hurts much more than being Dead!
So nervous as a horny toad,
The outlaws watch for ole Lightload!
Big Gabby John
Big Gabby John, bellied up to the bar,
"Draw me a beer," for I've ridden a far.
But "draw" was the only word heard that night,
The outlaws figured, John's looking to fight.
They drew in a flash, their six guns did roar,
John won't be drinking, with them boys no more!
The ole Cowford Kid, rides shotgun a lot,
The bad guys a figur'd, a "double" he's got.
Two men we may lose, a'robbin that stage,
But we'll get real rich, we'll make the front page!
They put on their masks, said "Toss down your poke,"
But "Kid" had a "pump," and it was sure stoked!
So robbers beware, this stage full of trouble,
If he's got that "pump," "You're gett'n it double!"
One Son of a Gun
His family came west, to tame the outlaws,
Gramps was a Ranger, and so was his Pa.
Sweet little Granny, was quick on the draw,
And only a fool, stood up to his Ma!
The bandits all say, "It just ain't no fun,"
Law dogs for kin, he's One Son of a Gun!
Flamingo Joe, just used one gun,
Stood on one leg, for just plain fun.
Stared bandits down, with squinted eye,
And asked them how, they'd like to die!
Should it be quick, should it be slow,
"Just speak right up, and let me know."
Not one of them, did stick around,
To have him plant, them in the ground.
They all turned tail, for as you know,
He weren't no ordinary Joe!
Marshal was lawman, of the old Badlands,
Fought lots of killers, and mean In'jun bands.
When asked how he kept, from being killed dead,
He simply replied, "You pack lots of lead!"
Then you out shoot'um, from morning till night,
And round 'um all up, on morrow's first light.
So that's why he shoots, so long and so steady,
And that's why he's called, ole Marshal Leadready!
Charlie Covington and Yankee Belle
Ole Charlie and his Yankee Belle,
They shot together, looked real swell.
He was the fastest with his gun,
But in her sights, you'd better run!
A tale of woe, the outlaws tell.
Of Charlie and his sweetie Belle!
Wiggley Down Yonder
All of us cowpokes, we always did ponder,
From where in the world, came Wiggley Down Yonder?
Saints n' begorrah, Shamus Beirne he might be,
But that Irish scoundrel, a'swung from a tree!
Fer sure and fer certain, it wern't " down under,"
Where women they glow, and men they do thunder!
It must be the "West", with its glitter and gold,
Way out "Down Yonder," where they're bad and they're bold!
He rode the Badlands, and Drifted to town,
A'lookin fer them, that were just low down.
He found those lowlifes', a'sipping a beer,
Said drink up real quick, your end is quite near!
His guns they blazed left, then back to the right,
His "pendulum sweep", a'ended the fight!
Jake Harden and Augustine St. John
They said ole Jake, was hard to shake,
For outlaws that, were on the take.
He caught 'um quick, they had no chance,
The hangman's noose, was their last dance.
But Augustine, she took dead aim,
And on Jake Harden, laid her claim.
So all you cowpokes, bad and bold,
Take heed this story, that is told.
Don't steal the gold, much less a heart,
Or with your freedom, you will part!
He asked the mirror, on the wall,
Who is the fastest, of them all?
Who is it slings, the slowest lead,
Who is it cowboys, all do dread?
Who is it dresses, to the nines,
Who is a legend, in his time?
The mirror said, "Oh, Romeo,"
Why must thou ask, what thou dost know!
B'ville Bandit and Lady J
The Bandit and his Lady J,
Were known through out the west they say.
Their reputation with a gun,
Earned them respect from everyone.
The lowlifes knew to tread with care,
Be careful of this silent pair.
For when they talked, they talked with lead,
T'was best to listen, lest be dead!
He sat at the bar, he twirled his mustache,
With each of his guns, he was Deadly fast.
"Go for your shooter," the sheriff did say,
Or hit the ole trail, and have a nice day!
So Deadly he rode, right out of that town,
But a new sheriff, will have to be found!
So lawman beware, this wily ole cooter,
Don't mix it up with, Deadly Sharpshooter!
When something went wrong, that beat all you saw,
The city folk say, "It's just Murphy's Law!"
But in the old west, they had their own name,
For things gone a'muck, and who was to blame.
If it was just small, they said "No Big Flap,"
Completely messed up - - - was "Major Mishap!"
Deadwood Woody & Sassy Teton Lady
Deadwood Woody and his Sassy Lady,
A'braced lowlifes who were somewhat shady.
With spurs and fringe chaps, big kerchiefs and hats,
They rode for the "good", slung lead at the "rats".
They did it in style, while dressed to the nines,
They did it real quick, they did it real fine.
They showed the bad guys, with whom not to toy,
This "Classic Cowgirl" and "Classic Cowboy"!
Ole Zack McGee, with Sharps in hand,
Went riding through, the harsh bad lands.
He found some in'juns, that's a fact,
Who tried to lift, his scalp intact!
Some bad outlaws, that stole his loot,
And tried to string, him up to boot!
Some buffalo, that ran him down,
And tried to pound, him in the ground!
But if you ask, how was his day,
"Ordinary!" is what he'll say!
Ft. White Calvary
Ole Delta Glen, and long Tall Q.,
Rode into town, to have a brew.
Crooked Bob was there, Big Jim was too,
Kid Romeo, to name a few.
Their Fort White gang, known far and wide,
They had a bounty on their hide!
"Throw out your guns," the law had said,
Wiregrass replied, "You'll take us dead!"
So in the bar, they made their stand,
They shot it out, to their last man!
Luke and Dolly Cottoonwood
The Cottonwoods they were a pair,
Luke strong and Dolly so fair.
Their names were framed,
in the town they tamed,
Now outlaws won't even dare!
Oregon Kid sat back in his seat,
His legs up resting his feet.
He remembered the day,
Long past away,
And the outlaws he could then defeat.
Squint-eyed Jake's stare would amaze,
Town folk avoided his gaze.
They feared skin and bone,
Would be turned to stone,
A side glance might just end their days!
Love sick vaqueros entranced,
Her spell she made,
As the moon light played,
On those nights of Spanish romance!